As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
