He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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