Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
