I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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