I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize
