hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
did i just pee glitter
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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