This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize