I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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