at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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