New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
