I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
