i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
