Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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