I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
