i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
