We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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