I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize