apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
