I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize