Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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