Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
