Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Randomize