the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
