so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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