Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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