i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
