They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
She told me I should be a condom model.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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