I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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