I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
