Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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