my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
