i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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