I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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