my vag is so smooth its legendary
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Drunk is a universal language darling
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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