We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
