I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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