Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
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