I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
