we're chasing vodka with high fives
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
