Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
