I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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