no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Randomize
