never play flip cup with pint glasses
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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