so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
