just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
