My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
