I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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