Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Randomize
