He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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