its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
