or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
