my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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