So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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