i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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