The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
