I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
