Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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