Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
